- dilly dally here n there. wait for him to reach. (not meeting angel anymre, he says he knws hw to go)
- 7pm plus, went for our 1st meal!!
- took train over.. (G_G) stuck in e train.. hw long arr? forget alr. (time spent with him seems to pass so fast!)
- baobei called, event finish liao..
- bus to h0neyys place.
- rest there for few hours? 2? 3? dunno~
- ♥TMM♥ awhile, n he went to look for his frens. (sent me to find angel n kenneth)
- slack awhile, homed!
- bathed! msged with him awhile.
- KO-ed (sutpid medicine, everytime sure make me KO)
today!!!
no plans for today!! sigh~ craving for COFFEE CLUB smoked salmon salad!!! hw? >.<
Tuesday, July 14, 2009 ' 4:45 AM Y
i can't deny that i don't miss those times ♥
i dunno hw to explain to u hw much im afraid of e word WAIT~ or maybe i shld say it.. its jst like hw u're afraid of hw ur ex gf treats u~ maybe this post shall explained everything.
3 years ago, a guy hug me in his arms, told me hw much he loved me~ blah blah blah~ n suddenly, (still hugging me) he told me.. i still cant forget abt my ex.. baober, u knw i loved u very much.. i promised to give u my everything. n i really did. but i jst cant forget abt e 4 years plus r/s i had with her. I want u, but, i want her too.. (sounds familiar?) i rmb i cried until like nobody business. den, he whishper into my ears, baober, will u WAIT for me? i promised i'll be back. he told me, baober, ltr i'll send u home 1st. den u WAIT at home for me okay? i go meet my friends awhile. i'll be back soon. true enough, he came back to look for me. but its like mre den 12 hours? best part was, when he came back to look for me, he told me tt he actually went to look for his ex gf. n they actually patched up le.
But still, baober, i knw u're sad.. im sad too. cux i love u. u're irreplacable. jst tt, i cant forget her. How silly i was tt time to tell him tt i dun mind if he patch with tt girl. so long, he still loves me n stay by my side. i believe all e things he said. he even promised to celebrate my bday with me (which is 1 mth ltr.) ends up, before he left my huse (shall not go in details wat happened) he gave me a kiss on my forehead, baober, WAIT for me okay? e most 1 year. i'll spend as much time with u as i can. dun cry anymre alright? i love u~ i'll be back at night keep u accompany. okay? i promised. BUT, he went, n nvr comes back.
we have a private blog during tt time, i blog everyday, jst to let him knw hw much i misses him. finally 1 day. he replied my post. baober, im glad tt u're doing well now. i still rmb ur bday. no worries. LOL once hes gone, hes nvr back. i went in depression becux of him. cried everyday.. 19 days w/0 eating anything at all. jst a can of pokka grn tea, gd enough to make me tahan for 1 whole day.. sometimes, 1/2 can of grn tea, can make me throw out everything. 14 days for not sleeping at all. whenever i closed my eyes, i'll see him. i rmb everything he told me. especially e word WAIT. i used all sorts of tools to hurt myself every single day. jst to forget e pain in my <3.
i've WAITED for him 2 years. (silly huh?) even i knw he's not coming back anymre..
then, here comes my tw bf.. we've been tgt for 1 yr plus? whatever happens between me n him, i shall cut it very very short. he said he will come sg find me, but everytimes he said this. he failed to do this. he told me he'll be taking which flight to sg. but somethings crop up in e airport. n i WAITED for him at e airport for mre den 8 hours! still, i din manage to see him tt time.
He went MIA aft we patched up. i can say i dun love him anymre. but.. is not becux he went MIA, tt's why i dun love him anymre. jst tt i promised some1 else something. fine~ i WAITED for 3 months jst to contact him or WAITED for him to contact me. i jst wanna say e word brk to him. yet, till now.. i cant reach him at all. even his friends also siam me. wat u wan me to do? seriously, i thinks he wanna revenge me for saying brk to him during march. why? i dunno. maybe becux he's too confident tt i wont say brk to him. i can say he's e most perfect guy in e world tt any girls would fall for him. He's fking rich, fking handsome. fking caring. fking clever too. but e bad thing is, he's fking bz.. WORST, he likes to ask ME to WAIT. but at e end of e day, im like an idiot waiting for nth~
now, i tot i've found u~ n yet, u also ask me to WAIT. i knw u wont let me WAIT for a long long time. but its still WAIT right? i tried my very best, not to make u rmb of wat ur ex did to u. i din even ask much things abt ur ex. (except for e reason for e brkup.) but have u spared a thought for me? there's something i fear most. there's something i hate most in r/s. maybe u're right, we dunno each other well.
u said u're not like any of them. but u're hurting me e way they did years back or rather recently.
i cant throw temper at u when u told me u need some times to knw me better n u're afraid of wat happened between u n her will happen agn, cux i knw excatly hw u feels. (becux i've been thru it before) i cant tell u im not feeling gd when u asked me to wait. cux i knw u feel bad, n i dun wanna make u feel worst.
if u told me u're angry jst now, i think i'll be very happy. at least i knw u care~ but u insisted tt u're not angry. =)
night~
things are not RIGHT now, so i shall keep left~ in order not to make things worst~
im gg to see dor ltr, cux having fever now.. above 37.7 (fever + cough + sore throat)
guys, anything pls call me. dun text me pls. cux i might not be able to reply ur msg when im sleeping. thks~
Monday, July 13, 2009 ' 11:42 PM Y
i can't deny that i don't miss those times ♥
guys name tt starts with a J.. is always e same~ be it JERRY or J****~
Thursday, July 9, 2009 ' 2:00 AM Y
i can't deny that i don't miss those times ♥
i'll update when im free~
Saturday, July 4, 2009 ' 11:30 PM Y
i can't deny that i don't miss those times ♥
been spending times with my girls.. thanks to all those who actually msg-ed me jst to make sure im Fine~ thanks to Wilson Chia, for talking cork with me.. LOL.. ~thanks to reb0rn for e bedtime story.. thanks Cerlyn Chan for e treat on friday.. hehehes.. especially all my girls.. baobei, h0neyy, laopo, xiaofen, bun n ting.. thanks alot.. love u bytches.. muacks.. really appreciate it alot..
jst came back frm ting's place.. currently blogging at nana's place.. steamboat was.. NICE~ ting, next time if we organize any gathering or steamboat session.. u shall be e cook ya? LOL..
im feeling much better these 2 days.. jst dun remind me of wat happened.. jst leave me alone.. jst dun let me see them.. i'll be perfectly fine.. =)
im sorry baobei, i knw i hurt u by doing those silly things.. i knw hw sad u are when u see those scars on my hand.. but i jst couldnt help it but to hurt myself.. i feel much better after doing all those silly things.. i knw there's always other ways to vent all e unhapiness.. but, u should knw me well enough.. when i cant take stress.. e only things i'll do is to hurt myself.. i knw by hurting myself wont solve e problems or wat.. but it do makes me feel BETTER..
bun saw e scars on my hand today.. she show no expression.. jst ask me.. why like tt? wat happen? i think she'll be damn angry with me also.. IM SORRY.. XIAOMINMEI~
now, i only fear for tml's arrival.. i've got to face ALL OF THEM again.. including ahgong.. wat if... they saw my scars.. wat if they ask me wat happen to my hand.. how am i going to explain to them? or even worst.. Edward ask me to follow him to 1 corner.. and "question" me? how am i going to answer? i jst dun wanna tell them much.. wat if i cant control my tears during tml's prayers? sigh~
can some1 jst save me? or tell me wat to do? =(
Friday, July 3, 2009 ' 1:05 PM Y
i can't deny that i don't miss those times ♥
i really hate e way im behaving now.. but i jst help it.. how u ppl wan me to take all these "nonsense"?
1st : my grandma leaves me..
2nd : my dad betrayed me..
3rd : my sanshu dun wan me..
4th : my mum keeps telling me tt she wont live tt long too.. (always claimed tt "suan ming lao" says she wont live till very old)
5th : my ahgong, TELLS ME(ONLY) NEXT TIME WHEN HE PASS AWAY, WHICH PHOTO HE WANNA PUT DURING HIS FUNERAL.. INFRONT OF E WHOLE FAMILY!!!
HOW AM I GG TO TAKE IT.. U TELL ME?
my ahma passed away when im at e age of 13.. i only rmb hw sad we are.. hw much i love her.. n when i was young, hw she take care of me when im sick.. when i misbehave, my parents will canned me.. n she saw those "zebra strips" on my body.. hw she use e bamboo stick to whack my parents.. she's really cute right? after her death, i only knw i got to cherish n love my grandpa mre.. tt's wat i told myself when im at e age of 13..
at e age of 15, i had a BIG quarrel with my dad.. soon, at e age of 17, they decided to divorce.. becux i forced them.. he claims tt im e 1 who forced him to go out n flirt ard.. becux i look down on him.. did i? dun rmb a single thing abt him anymre.. i used to love him very much.. yet he betrayed me..
now, coming 20 this oct.. my sanshu passed away during mar.. he break all his promises.. i rmb i ask him out for dinner before i went bkk for holiday.. n he agreed.. but before i left for my trip.. he told me this.. "jess, sanshu wont live long anymre.. next time cant cook for u to eat anymre.. no mre chance alr.." i told him.. mai lai lah.. u still so young, dun anyhw say.. den.. we ended tt topic.. when i came back frm bkk.. i was damn broke.. but am getting my pay on coming fri.. so planned to ask him n ahgong out on fri for dinner.. who knws.. thur morning.. heart attack.. he passed away.. he always protect me whenever im being "bullied" by my relatives.. they will disturbed me with durians.. but my sanshu is e only 1 who will ask them to fuck off.. i promised him.. i'll take good care of ahgong.. so no worries.. jst go in peace.. den.. i dreamt of hw sad n disappointed he was.. for some unknown reason..
same year, June~ my great-grandma passed away at e age of 100..
jst weeks ago.. when we're packing ahgong huse.. i was in his room watching tv.. den.. he shouted for me.. "ahjess, lai.." i went out, he showed me 1 photo of him when he was still "young".. he's wearing his police uniform.. very handsome.. whoohoo.. aft i made tt comments.. he told me.. "jess, next time ahgong pass away.. u mst put this photo infront of e lorry ok?" i was like WTF!!! ah sua, dun wan entertain him.. den i went in e room n continue my show..
anw, my mum has been repeating e same old lines to me almost every month.. i dun wan to live tt long.. suan ming lao say i wont live tt long too.. TT'S GOOD! (another WTF)
Edward's getting married this coming sept.. ahgong keeps telling me tt, faster settle korkor's wedding.. den he can also die with no regrets.. whoohoo~ (he stabbed my heart)
WHY? i tried my very best to behave like a good girl.. jst wanna make him feel proud of me.. n yet, he give me all these craps.. i dare to say, im e most filial girl in e whole family.. but.. he only wants to faster settle korkor's wedding n go die.. CB!
wat abt me? i also want him to handle all my wedding things when its time for me to get married.. BUT.. (speechless) jst becux my BLOODY SURNAME IS NOT KOH.. tt's why my wedding is not as important as Edward? jst becux he's e oldest grandson.. so u're so excited abt it..
jst becux my surname is not KOH.. jst becux im not a guy.. tt's why im not tt important.. i did so much things for u.. i dun expect anything in return.. i jst wan u to live longer.. to prepare my wedding.. to take care of my children after i get married.. but why.. why mst u sounds like im not important to u.. i knw u dun mean it.. but do u knw tt watever u say.. i care alot..
e people i love, all leave me.. so.. are u trying to tell me.. in order for u to live longer, my only way is to leave u guys.. dun love u ppl tt much.. den.. u ppl will live longer.. n stay by my side?
i only ask for e sense of security.. why cant u jst give it to me..
i really cant take it anymre.. i really hate e feelings when all e ppl i love are leaving me... is it becux of me? becux i love them so much, tt's why they leave me?
im dead tired.. those words keep repeating in my head.. hw am i gonna carry on my life with all these words..
its torturing me.. do u knw tt? i need to find ways to vent all my unhappiness.. but i jst couldnt find e best way.. so, back to square 1.. e mre i hurt myself.. e better i'll feel..
u ppl always say.. we mst show mre care n concern towards e 2brothers.. cux, sanshu n laoma's death, is really a big blow to them.. u ppl scared tt they might do silly things to hurt themselves.. so, meaning, i can take it very easily?
but, have any1 spared a thought for me?
oh ya, this morning.. before e prayers starts.. ahgong came to poke me.. n said.. "u nvr call him(my uncle) arr?" usually, my ahgong wont even bothers if i call who n dun call who.. so meaning, they did comments abt me infront of ahgong these fews days.. tt's why ahgong will have this kind of reaction this morning? forget it.. i dun wanna care abt it anymre.. say wat u ppl wanna say bah..
Others can missed e prayers session.. dun go ahgong huse evy weekend.. or even go up there n slp/show face den goes off.. those ppl wont get fuck by them.. but i will.. how pathetic huh..
Thursday, July 2, 2009 ' 9:11 PM Y
i can't deny that i don't miss those times ♥
i've got lots of things to rant.. whr should i start? after today's post, i think all my friends will give me a gd scolding bahh~
i dun care this post, Sheena, Edward, Melvin or even other ppl in my family read this post.. i dun give a damn anymre.. i jst need a place to rant/chant..
i jst dun understand, why am i always e 1 kena FUCK for nth.. u ppl dun dare to call Edward, so, i shall do e job? end up, im e 1 being Fuck. no matter what happens, am always e 1st 1 to see ppl's attitude.. jst becux i wanna be my ahgong's filial granddaughter, doesnt means u ppl can take advantages of me.. jst becux im e "youngest", i dun get the chance to voice out wat i wanna say..
i always have to accommodate to you ppl.. u guys wanna enjoy ur fucking durians, go ahead.. i nvr stop u ppl from eating ur fave.. but do u guys always have to choose e timing whr im having dinner with u ppl? "ahgal, u go to e park or anywhere to walk walk 1st.. ltr den come back find us." excuse me, im not ur dog.. IDIOTS..
i dun eat durian, u ppl have lots of comments!! "ahgal, if u cant tolerate e smell of durians, how are u gg to survive in this world? hw are u gg to find a bf next time? U CANT SURVIVE IN THIS SOCIETY!!"
FUCKERS, ur bloody own son also dun eat durians, why do u have to comments on ME only? why dun u eat durians infront of ur son? or even say tt to ur son? jst becux ur SON will show attitude.. jst becux ur son gt BULLS TEMPER.. tt's why u dun dare to say him? wat do u mean by, i cant survive in this world/society? no bf? HEY, ur son is 28 years old now.. n he SURVIVED till now!!! he also can find a gf n is gg to get married coming sept, why cant i? AT LEAST I STILL GOT 8 YEARS TO LIVE.. im only 20 now..
after work, am already damn tired, got to eat dinner with ahgong.. fine, i dun mind.. but when u ppl appear, there goes my day. if i look tired, u ppl will start to say becux i dun wanna slp at night, i wanna be like an owl, SERVE ME RIGHT.. blah blah blah~ HEY, im working much mre harder den your daughter who's working in e same company as me.. i got to work in e morning, study at night.. i got to eat dinner with my ahgong evyday.. u think i superwoman, wont get sick or even tired? SERVE ME RIGHT? after i explain to u tt i din stayed till late night den go bed, ohs.. there goes ur reply.. "really meh? so gd girl? okay loh.. u gt so guai de meh" WTF? i slp early also cannot?
i jst dun understand, wat's e meaning of accompany ahgong eat dinner.. ahgong wanna eat this, u all wanna eat tt.. den give my ahgong lanjiao bin.. ahfk.. i dun wanna comment much on this anymre..
jst becux my name is not Edward Xu, doesnt means u can Fuck me upside down..
YOU, as my mum.. only knw how to ask me to keep quiet.. dun show attitude.. when ur slibbing are commenting abt me, where were u? u always tell me, they are ur elders.. YOU MUST RESPECT THEM.. i give them e respect, doesnt means they will respect me back.. sometimes, it jst break my heart whenever u told me abt e generation thing.. "i really dunno wat's on u ppl (this generation) mind.. u ppl are behaving frm bad to worst.. SO RUDE!!" excuse me MDM KOH, even if they're at wrong, u will still ask me to keep quiet.. dun make things worst.. den.. end up? MY FEELING GOT WORST..
YOU PPL LOST UR BROTHER, GRANDMOTHER.. wat abt me? i've lost my UNCLE & GREAT-GRANDMOTHER TOO.. e pain u ppl are gg thru now, im gg thru too.. it doesnt means tt if u knw this person longer, e mre u cant take his/her death.. i also lost some1 i love alot..
I LOVE HIM MRE DEN U PPL DO.. he's better den my dad.. he love me mre den u ppl do.. he's e 1 who will bring me for Mac bfast early in e morning 7am. he's e only 1 who will stand on my side no matter wat happen.. he's e 1 who will always give me a hug frm behind n say, "ahgal, dun care abt wat other ppl say, u always got sanshu to support u.." he's e only 1 who will joke with me in e family.. he's e only 1 who will cook all my fave dishes for me to eat.. he's really e 1 standing at my side when i quarrelled with my dad few years back.. u ppl only want me to call him DAD during tt time. MY sanshu is e 1 who told me, "Jess, dun force urself if u cant do it.. but still, i really hope u will call him DAD, cux i dun wan other ppl to comment on u.." i can smile everyday, but tt doesnt means i can take his death so easily.. i will NEVER forget hw sad he look in my dreams..
sanshu, where r u now? why arent u protecting me anymre.. u dun love me anymre? sometimes, i jst feel like u ppl are really forcing me to do things i hate to do now.. i dun mind wearing jackets everyday.. jst dun force me anymre.. i knw hw to cut myself with penknife without leaving scars.. i enjoy e pain, when u take ur keys to hurt urself, n a lighter to burn on e scars on ur hand.. e sensation.. u will nvr knw.. i've always have e urge to do this, whenever im feeling down.. i really cant take it anymre..
forget it, all e unfair things, i can never finish in this post..
is time to standby e keys n lighter.. i rmb e last time i hurt myself damn jialat.. is when Jerry broke off with me.. i will never forget e expression on Edward's face when he saw those scar.. it makes me feel so happy when some1 look so pain when they saw those scars there.. tt's e only way to torture u ppl when im left with nth..
' 8:50 PM Y
i can't deny that i don't miss those times ♥
im damn tired. i need a gd rest.. i always have e urge to hurt myself with those "tools" again.. but.. forget it~
THAT LADY
Jesslyn is all u need to knw~
ima-bytch
27oct`89 - 22yrs`old !!
im not as sweet as u think, so dun mess with me~ im warning you!
Martell is not my fav, but definitely my BEST FRIEND~
jst leave me alone, if u dun LOVE me ..
To be continued here ..
SHE WANTS
MICKey, mickEY & mre MICKEYSSSS ~
최강창민
More time with my bytches
MORE sense of security
new tops/bottoms
Heels/boots iPhone 3GS iPhone 4
Samsung Galaxy S Gucci "Lovely" LV neverfull Dior wallet Dior new edition wallet
HongKong Trip ! Again ! *hehehees*
Taiwan Trip ! Again ! *shopping*
Korea Trip !!! *PJS* ♥
More $$ for me to shop =P
To be with my LOVES one!
i jst wanna be love-d ♥
